Why I don’t “teach” self-regulation
One of the most common reasons families reach out to me is because they have concerns about their child's regulation. Often, I hear parents ask if I can "teach" their child a strategy to self-regulate or help them become better at self-regulation.
Oh, how I wish I could simply say, "Yes!"
But the truth is...no. I won't be teaching your child a magical strategy to self-regulate.
Why? Because regulation is far more complex than learning a single coping skill or trick. If there were one strategy that worked every single time, chances are you would have discovered it already.
So first, let me say this: if your child struggles with regulation, give yourself some grace. These challenges are often incredibly complex, and finding what truly supports a child isn't always straightforward.
Ironically, that's exactly what I love most about this work.
Over the years, I've developed a deep appreciation for just how layered and individualized regulation really is. My hope is to take you along this journey of understanding the many factors I consider when I'm helping families make sense of regulation challenges.
Why I Don't Often Use the Term "Self-Regulation"
Our brains are designed to develop the capacity for self-regulation. But that capacity isn't something children simply learn because we teach them a strategy. It is built through many, many (did I mention MANY?) experiences of being supported, understood, and regulated alongside another person (and along with brain development).
Even as adults, self-regulation isn't the only way we manage our emotions and stress. As humans, we're wired for connection. We naturally turn to trusted people for support when life feels overwhelming. Co-regulation isn't something we outgrow—it's something we continue to rely on throughout our lives.
Rather than focusing solely on self-regulation, I prefer to think about regulation capacities—the many internal and external resources that help us return to a state of balance. Sometimes those resources come from within us, and sometimes they come through the supportive presence of another person.
What Do Regulation Challenges Look Like?
Every child is different, but parents and caregivers often describe concerns like these:
A child who can go from 0 to 60 in a matter of seconds.
Becoming overwhelmed in certain situations.
Difficulty calming down or being soothed.
Frequent tantrums or meltdowns that last 30 minutes or more, sometimes occurring multiple times a week—or even multiple times a day.
Becoming physical or unsafe when upset.
Difficulty falling asleep at night.
These are just a few examples. Regulation challenges can show up in many different ways, and no two children have the exact same pattern.
The Questions That Matter Most
When I begin working with a family, I'm less interested in finding a quick fix and more interested in understanding the whole picture.
Some of the questions I often ask include:
When do you see your child at their best? What seems to help them feel calm, connected, and capable?
Can you describe a recent tantrum or meltdown? What happened before it started? What did it look like? How intense was it?
How often do these situations happen? Are there common triggers or patterns?
How long does it take for your child to return to a calmer state?
What have you found helpful in supporting or soothing your child? Even if it only works sometimes, those moments tell us something important.
These questions help us move beyond simply managing behaviors and begin understanding the underlying needs of your child's nervous system.
Looking Beneath the Behavior
One of the biggest shifts I hope parents experience is moving away from asking, "How do I stop this behavior?" and instead becoming curious enough to ask, "What is my child communicating?"
Curious about what your child's nervous system is communicating.
Curious about the environments, relationships, sensory experiences, developmental capacities, and stressors that influence their ability to regulate.
Regulation challenges are rarely about a child choosing to be difficult. More often, they're a signal that something within their brain, body, environment, or relationships is asking for support.
When we understand the why behind the behavior, we can begin supporting regulation in ways that are meaningful, compassionate, and effective.
And that's where lasting change begins.
